The Apple Tablet (iPad) Part II: "Magical Because We Say So!"

So today was the day, and as you saw in my first post about it, I was trying to go in with an open mind. I was disappointed. Again. I posed the question: Will it be a giant iPhone or a tablet running OS X with some tweaks. And it's neither.

It's a giant iPod Touch with a few tweaks. Seriously. Out of the whole hour and a half conference, I saw 2 good things. The first is that the iPad will be compatible with everything in the App Store out of the box. The second is the monthly price for 3G use with AT&T, which is $15 for 250mb and $30 for unlimited, and it's prepaid so no contract. The rest is just bad:

Ok, not all bad. It's a 9.7" multitouch screen with a 1 GHz Apple made processor in there. It's only a half-inch thick and weighs a pound and a half. Let's talk about that processor. It really allows for Google Maps or web sites to just fly. Problem: It won't make Google Maps AND websites fly! Yeah, no multitasking. What the hell kind of cell phone/laptop substitute can't do two things at once? Oh, and since iPhone OS 4.0 was rumored to make an appearance today too, I wouldn't hold my breath on getting your iPhone to multitask in the near future either.

But like iPods, it can do Youtube, even in HD. That's pretty cool. It should make my Flash videos look great! Wait a minute... what's that little plug-in error block doing? During the demo, Jobs pulled up a site with a Flash video and it couldn't do it. So again, apparently the "best web browsing experience yet" doesn't involve what really makes most sites look so great. I think Jobs thinks he's in the mid 90s when Geocities was king.

So we have a big iPod Touch, but I mentioned some OS X goodies in there too. You can do some stuff with iWorks, so make spreadsheets, essays, presentations etc. Kinda cool I guess, but there's not a chance in hell that I'm going to type something long enough to sit there and peck it out on a touchscreen of any size. And when I say sit down, it's not a metaphor. There's no realistic way you can type on that beast without a lap or table to lay it on. One could say it has to sit on TOP of a LAP or DESK. Funny, I feel like I've seen the combination of those words somewhere...

But that nice big screen will make pictures, videos, and text nice looking. In fact, Apple is going to have an Amazon and Barnes and Noble-esque online bookstore. Nice thought, but no matter how nice turning a digital page might be, it's not an e-ink screen. There's a reason that e-readers have gone with the no-backlight e-ink screen. It's not a (literal) pain to read on. So if you really want to peruse War and Peace on it, well you may need to pick up some iGlasses for it (I should trademark that name...)

But what would a product be without cool accessories? There's a few docks unveiled thus far, like the one that just props it up for picture and video viewing, and those are good. But the one with the keyboard on it just cracks me up, because it basically admits that the iPad is useless (more on that in a bit). And one that attaches a camera, because one simply cannot be put in there internally. We are totally not at that level in technology yet. But the lack of camera also makes many apps no longer compatible. Yay contradiction!

And I have to touch on the name for a few seconds. iPad? Really? Let's ignore the fact that MadTV already came out with a sketch about it as a tampon, and that "iTampon" was a top trending subject on Twitter. Let's ignore how easy periods may flow onto the iPad. When I think "pad", I think of the things dogs take a dump on inside. And the poor people of Boston will be SO confused given their accent. Hopefully there will be some way to distinguish iPod and iPad for them. Like iPod and iDon'tKnowWhatThisIsFor.

And finally, the price. There's 3 models of differing memory space in the typical 16, 32, and 64GB layout. For the WiFi only versions, you're looking at $500, $600, and $700 respectively, and they'll be available in 60 days. Want one of the 3G models? Wait an additional 30 days (that's 90 if you don't have your iCalculator handy). Oh, and add $130 to the price. Now it comes unlocked, which sounds good, but it's using the never before seen microSIM card, meaning no other carrier will know what the hell to do with it. Now I bet that it would be $1200, so why do I find the price ridiculous? Well I figured it would be something, you know, useful. But even Apple has effectively said it isn't. The ending thought that Jobs left with people was that 75 million people know how to work the iPad, that number based on iPhone and iPod Touch sales. Well if it works the same, but just has a big screen and some iWorks stuff, why in the world would I need to drop a minimum $500 for this? Anyone with an iPod Touch or iPhone that needs iWorks compatibility has a Mac to do it, you know, something made to type quickly and efficiently. And if they don't own a Mac, they have Office, which is all but infinitely more used than iWorks.

The only thing showing us how necessary or useful the iPad is is the word of Steve Jobs saying it's "magical" and "revolutionary". Well it certainly hasn't revolutionized anything, seeing as it has brought no new functionality or even changed currently existing functions, and the only thing magical about it all is the fact that Steve Jobs is able to stay on the ground with as much hot air is in that inflated head of his.

UPDATE: So I've watched a video or two of it in action, and allow me to say this: For what it does, it does it well. For what it is, it's pretty cool. But when you look at the rest of the tech world, you'll find that what it does and what it is is entirely useless to be it's own entity. Hope that clarifies it for you guys.