A Cruise to the Bahamas

Over the last week (which was our Spring Break) my wife and I went on a 4 night cruise to the Bahamas. We had a great time, which of course makes it completely uninteresting to write about. So instead, I will write about cruises in general and some of the goods and bads of such an experience (but mostly the bads).

The first thing you notice when getting on a cruise ship is that it doesn't feel like a ship. It feels more like a big mall/hotel/resort/theme park. On larger ships, you won't even notice the ship rocking as it sails across the sea. I use the word "sail" because that's what they use. However, these ships are obviously not propelled by wind whatsoever as a source of wind capable of moving 74,000 tons. There are shops, pools, restaurants, and bars. Some ships have rock climbing walls, water slides, put-put golf courses, even water parks. They're like giant floating cities.

The first problem you encounter is when you reach your room. This is another term used loosely on a cruise ship. Your "room" is actually a matchbox with an even smaller matchbox attached which contains a shower head and things they call "shower", "toilet", and "sink". I should also point out that the "room" is dominated by a "queen size" "bed". This bed is actually two twin beds set side-by-side with no attempt made whatsoever to hide the giant seam in between.

Now, some of my discomfort may stem from the fact that I am 6 foot 3 inches and weigh over 270 pounds, so what is slightly small for most people is torturous for me. For example, when I lay on this "bed" my LEGS hang off the end. Let me repeat that: My LEGS hang off the end. I am quite used to my feet hanging off the end of a bed as most beds require that I curl up to come degree for them to accommodate me. In this scenario, from my toes to the middle of my calves were hanging in mid-air all night. Another consequence of this is that the sheets are almost instantly untucked from the bottom leaving my feet both dangling and unconvered (aka cold). Also, the "vanity" for my wife to put on her makeup is in the room, as it would not fit in the matchbox that is the bathroom, and it is placed directly against the foot of this bed so that when I turn over in the night, I not only bang my head into the wall that is right against the side, but kick the vanity, effectively waking me up every 20 or 30 minutes.

So after some of the best sleep I've ever gotten (see, it is possible to convey sarcasm on the internet!), I get up to go to the bathroom. The toilet is too small in all dimensions, but that's not really the major issue here. The bigger problem is that I am roughly as wide from shoulder to should as the bathroom. So as I sit, the idea of looking around is limited to the range of motion afforded my neck without moving any other body part. Again, this is far from the worst part of this endeavor. The shower, from wall to shower curtain, is SMALLER than my width. The result being that my right shoulder protrudes into and sticks to the shower curtain. On many cruises, the height (or lack thereof) of the showers makes it impossible for me to even stand up straight. When I try, my head is flush against the ceiling and my knees remain bent. The length of this shower presents a new issue as well. With my back against the shower head, I attempt to wash my legs. As I lift my leg, my knee hits the opposite wall of the shower, effectively removing my ability to bend to reach my lower leg. I didn't even TRY to wash my feet.

Even with the size issues I encountered (that's what she said), going for a cruise is one of the best vacation options available. The endless food and lack of movement will make you forever understand why this country deals with obesity on an epidemical level (and yes, I just made up a word).